We will celebrate Canada’s 144th birthday at Fort George Park on Friday. Mike’s top five preparations you should be making for Canada Day.
#5. Apologize for cutting in front of someone, even though you didn’t. Then, they apologize for cutting in front of YOU.
#4. If you don’t have a Canadian flag – wash your Toronto Maple Leaf jersey with something red.
#3. Practice getting up from the grass after eating your souvlaki, so you don’t have to do that big roll-over on your side, squishing they kid’s ice cream bar while you try to stand up.
#2. Practice holding it. Remember public restrooms lose their ‘sanitized for you protection’ status after being open for 2 or 3 minutes.
#1. Google the words to Oh Canada – so at least you can mouth the words if you have to.
As the school year comes to an end it’s time to start thinking about teacher gifts. Seriously, you can’t beat a Tim Horton’s gift card, but if you’re trying – here are Mike’s top five other great teacher gift ideas.
#5. A handsome plaque listing all of your teachers accomplishments next to Ghandi’s accomplishments.
#4. Sunglasses. To protect their ‘pupils’ (ha ha ha ha..).
#3. A Pi.
#2. Don’t give them anything and say ‘it’s the principal of the thing’ (ha ha ha ha..).
#1. Summers off!!
Game 7 tonight. Either the Vancouver Canucks or the Boston Bruins will win the Stanley Cup. This is certain.
Here’s a question… right after a team wins a championship, immediately they’re all putting on hats with the championship written on them and the year and the name of their team, what happens to the hats that were made up for the team that lost?
Tonight will there be a bunch of “Boston Bruins Stanley Cup Champions 2011″ ball caps in the trash behind Rogers Arena?
Never mind. The Canucks didn’t win. Big freakin’ riot, no hats anywhere.
Here, just in time for Father’s Day are Mike’s top five Father’s Day jokes.
#5. How many Dad’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but “.. it will probably take a couple of weeks and I might have to put it up on the hoist..”
#4. What do you get when you cross your Dad with your Mom? You.
#3. Why did the Dad cross the road? He was quite hungry and was just chasing after the chicken
#2. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Aren’t you going to get that. “No, it’s probably for your mom..”
#1. What do you say to your dad after a 2-2 hockey game? Nice Tie dad!
Just in case you need one today.. Mike’s top five excuses for missing Father’s Day.
#5. Thought it was author’s day – I sent Dan Brown a card instead.
#4. They missed all my overtime on my last paycheck – so I’m kinda strapped, catch ya next year.
#3. Didn’t want to buy into all the crass commercialism of Father’s Day.
#2. Never really considered you my real father even though Yoda and Obi Wan were hinting that you might be.
#1. All out of ties and beer hats at the dollar store!
Saturday the ‘World Naked Bike Ride 2011′ is happening in cities all over Canada and the US. There isn’t one here, but there is supposed to be one in Victoria. Mike’s top five things to keep in mind if you are taking part in Naked Bike Ride day.
#5. Remember not all naked is good naked.
#4. Keep a steady pace to avoid having to suddenly brake or quickly leap off the bike.
#3. Make sure your tires are properly inflated before you leave. You do not want to be working that little pump thing in your birthday suit.
#2. When signalling for a turn use only your arm.
#1. When you’re done, throw away the seat! Nobody wants to find that in a garage sale!
There has always been a “five second rule”. The five second rule is universally accepted as the standard. If food drops on the ground for more than five seconds you can’t eat it.
However, a new study has discovered it takes more than 30 seconds for bacteria to form on wet food dropped on the floor and more than a minute on dry food.
This is awesome news for foodies, radio DJs and small children everywhere!
Changing the numbers like this, when we’ve lived so long with a five second rule is great news! This is like it’s part way through the Stanley Cup final and they decide to make it a best of nine game series instead of a best of seven.
By the way if a ninth game is necessary, Aaron Rome would be back in the line up.
“Hackers hit the Conservative Party of Canada’s website and posted a story on it yesterday saying the Prime Minister had been rushed to the hospital after choking on a hashbrown.”
Hackers?! BS! This is not the work of a hacker, this is someone in the PM’s office that has access to the web site, messing with the PM.
A hacker would be a heck of a lot more creative.
I think this whole “hackers did it” thing is just an excuse major web sites are using to explain shoddy user-security practices.
What a great way to explain away massive data loss and disinformation, “.. it was hackers.”
and besides, it wasn’t a hashbrown, it was a donut.
Most of the promming and gradding is done.. time for exams! As a refresher from last year, here are my top five tips for writing exams.
#5. It’s hardly ever “D”.
#4. If you finish earlier than the others, start worrying that maybe you got the wrong test or you didn’t get all the pages.
#3. Remember if ‘eenie, meanie, miney, moe’ doesn’t seem to be working, there’s always ‘the force’.
#2. They never write the answers on the ceiling, but it’s a good idea to look for them there if you’re stuck, just in case.
#1. A well lit gymnasium or exam room is not the best environment for the power of the Ouija pencil.