The slow cooker is something I have used for a long time, I just love the idea of slow cooked food for some reason. However, while I was reading up on slow cookery, I found a few operational instructions that sound quite amusing. Mike’s top five things that sound funny when you’re talking about slow cookers.
#5. Discontinue use if cord is severed.
#4. Do not poke chicken.
#3. Immersing in cold water may damage the crock.
#2. Probe to be used to determine meat temperature only.
#1. Precautions should be taken as the porcelain bowl may become slippery.
So, aside from getting tons of calls on your cell offering to sell you cheap mortgages, cheap watches and body enhancement creams. Mike’s top five ways to tell a nameless developer has sold your Facebook data.
#5. You seem to be getting a lot of junk mail lately.
#4. Some guy named Eduardo is suing you for 1% of everything.
#3. Your Facebook Farmville is more like Orwell’s Animal Farm this morning.
#2. When you log into your Facebook account, you are automatically directed to a neighborhood addiction center.
#1. The guys who work at Facebook network security headquarters now refer to your account as “that poor bugger”.
My sister in law is now officially done decorating the house for Christmas. The tree is up (two of them), the wreath is on the door and tinsel is everywhere. Mike’s top five signs you are way too early and too into Christmas.
#5. At Costco they call you “The Christmas Lady” or “Griswold”.
#4. In your outdoor nativity scene, the three wise men are standing around looking at their watches.
#3. You are on your third advent calendar.
#2. During the closing credits of the Saw movie you couldn’t help but sing “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas..”
#1. Thank you cards, done! Valentine’s Day cards, ready to go! You are now working on Easter.
It was minus 28 this morning when I got up and I was thinking, man it’s pretty darn cold out there for November. Mike’s top five signs it’s pretty darn cold.
#5. The last four people who have said “cold enough for ya?”, are “missing”.
#4. You saw a politician with his hands in his own pocket.
#3. The chairman of the board of Terasen gas has called twice to thank you for your support.
#2. The furnace shut off just for a moment last night and you were thinking “hey, what’s that sound?”.
#1. At dinner, you’re no longer using metal knives, forks and spoons.
Today is Buy Nothing Day – a day to fight against the crass commercialism of Christmas. Today people are encouraged to make some of their gifts and work towards a home-made Christmas. Top five signs it’s a homemade Christmas at your house.
#5. Instead of looks of surprise and joy Christmas morning, you’re faced with dough-eyed looks of disbelief.
#4. The beautifully decorated jar of potpourri smells a bit like pickles.
#3. Two days before Christmas Grampa asks you what your favourite barn animal is.
#2. Asking Santa for a Wii takes on a whole new meaning when it’s a homemade Christmas.
#1. Homemade diddly squat bears a striking resemblance to store bought diddly squat.
Mike’s top five ways to have fun while (other people are) Christmas shopping.
#5. Go to M&M Meat Shops pretend to page “clean up in isle two” (ha h ha – there’s only one isle at M&M’s).
#4. Hide inside the clothing racks and while someone browses through yell, “Pick me! Pick me!”
#3. Move the “Caution Wet Floor” sign outside to the parking lot near a puddle.
#2. Dart around the store, using your coat as a cape, going from display to display, waving your ice scraper, chanting “Expecto a greatus dealus, with no payus til Mayus..”
#1. Fill a shopping cart with so many items that it’s overflowing, then go up to the checkout line and find a guy with just one item, then ask if you can get ahead of them.
The average cash Christmas bonus that Canadian companies will be handing out this year is $400. Other Christmas bonus gifts for staff this year include; dinners, trips and gift certificates. Mike’s top five Christmas bonus gifts that are not so great.
#5. T-shirt that says “Just glad to be working here”.
#4. Gift certificate for the Resume Shop.
#3. Supervisor’s book of awkward Christmas party conversation starters.
#2. The gift that keeps on giving all year, Jelly of The Month Club!
#1. Blind-fold and a smoke.
If you’re not sure whether to get a real tree of a fake tree this year, maybe knowing the differences between the two will help you decide. Mike’s top five differences between real and fake Christmas trees (from December 2009).
#5. Fake tree: Clean, odor free representation of the Yule season. Real tree: The Griswalds.
#4. Fake tree: Folds back in the box on the 26th, Christmas done. Real tree: Still picking pine needles off the couch in June.
#3. Fake tree: No sap. Real tree: Sap.
#2. Fake tree: Metal, plastic and wire. Real tree: Bugs, snow and bear poop.
#1. Fake tree: Dog sees something that looks like a tree. Real tree: “Hey, they bought me a doggie urinal!”
Tomorrow is election day!! Six people are running for the mayor’s job, eighteen people are running for council positions and sixteen are running for School Board. These people deserve our respect. There are many difficulties associated with running for local office. Mike’s top five problems with running for local office.
#5. Paying full price for your newspaper and radio ads.
#4. Your “a free Canterbury for your vote” platform could end up costing you a lot more than you thought.
#3. Local media are biting, unforgiving, mindful watchdogs of the public trust.
#2. Trying not to use the words “Nard” or “Noob” at candidate debates.
#1. You finally get more than 10 likes on your Facebook page and the whole thing is over tomorrow!
I will be putting up my outdoor Christmas lights this weekend. If you are as well, here are Mike’s top five tips for hanging outdoor Christmas lights.
#5. They’re pretty fancy, but remember there’s a trick to those ladders on wheels.
#4. If you go into the garage and come out with The Griswold Ball of Lights, go back in the house. Try again next year.
#3. Do not wash the car or hose down the driveway just before setting up the ladder.
#2. While you’re up on the roof, if you find the glove you lost last year in the gutter, do not act surprise and scream out loud “Hey I found my glove from last year!”, just pretend you knew it was there the whole time.
#1. Remember, while at the top of the ladder if you feel it start to move – if you’re going to fall, go big!