If you’re contemplating a float down the Nechako this weekend,
here are Mike’s top five tips for floaters…
#5. Though not necessary, it’s nice to have your Pleasure Craft Operator card mounted somewhere in the wheel house.
#4. Be sure to get off BEFORE Quesnel.
#3. If you encounter a 19 foot sturgeon, look over at the others and say “we’re gonna need a bigger boat”.
#2. Keep in mind, if you hit an iceberg and find yourself looking into the eyes of Kate Winslet. She will let go (I saw the movie).
#1. Remember when buying a floatation device you should be looking for something that is more “water proof” than “water resistant”.
#1a. Remember to bring a stash of O’Henry bars with you. Nothing says floater like an unwrapped O’Henry!
Dads have had their share of wise words and sage advice over the years, but here are the top five questionable things heard from dad.
#5. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Fact is, yes it does dad. For the last 200 years almost every large denomination bill in almost every currency on Earth has been printed on paper made from trees.
#4. “A borrower nor a lender be.” Fact is who’s making huge profits these days? Banks (borrowers and lenders)!
#3. “Go ask your mom.” Fact is, we did already, that’s why we’re asking you. Mom said no.
#2. “Close the door behind you, we’re not heating the whole outside.” Fact is, we are. The mere presence of humans on earth has increased the Earth’s mean temperature by almost 10 degrees in the last 200 years.
#1. “It wasn’t me, it was the dog.” Fact is, it wasn’t the dog.
Mike’s top five odd Father’s Day gifts.
#5. A tie cake. Everyone knows, ties are more a pie item.;)
#4. Number one Dad cheese log. Because, really if it’s a cheese log there won’t be a number two.
#3. Tiger Woods’ semi-autobiographical “How to swing like a Pro”.
#2. Lindsay Lohans’ “Top ten reasons why I respect and admire my father”.
#1. Three words: Home Taxidermy kit.
Least popular Father’s Day gifts
“Oh look, a potpourri filled basket of cherry-banana-rasberry lotions and creams!”. Mike’s top five other least popular Father’s Day gift ideas.
#5. The Pat Bell home barber kit (second only to the Ron Polillo “hair removal system”).
#4. An overly mushy card. Keep it to something like this: “If we ever need to know the score, you’re always there”.
#3. Anything that “goes with the lamps”.
#2. Any book that has a title that contains the words “for Dummies” or “quick and easy”.
#1. A handsome wall plaque listing all of Bill Gates accomplishments next to a list of all of Dad’s accomplishments (better idea might be, a handsome wall plaque listing all of Lindsay Lohan’s Dad’s accomplishments next to your dad’s..).
Top five things you’ll never hear dad say
Our contest “Play Dad” is all about things that dad would say. Mike’s top five things you’ll NEVER hear dad say.
#5. Why would you want to go get a job? I have tons of money and don’t mind forkin’ it out so you can lolly gag at the University of Dad’s Paying.
#4. You know pumpkin, I think you’re ready for unchaperoned car dates.
#3. Your mom and I are going away for the weekend, why don’t you have a few friends over for a party while we’re gone.
#2. Here’s my credit card, go crazy! See you at the food court whenever you feel you’ve shopped enough.
#1. Well how about that, I guess I’m lost. I better stop and ask someone for directions.
My Mother taught me well
Just in time for Mother’s Day… I’m not sure where this came from, but it sure is right-on.
The top five things my mother taught me…
#5. My mother taught me logic. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
#4. My mother taught me irony. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
#3. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
#2. My mother taught me about contortion-ism. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
#1. My mother taught me religion. “You better pray that stain comes out of the carpet.”
Tax season? Oh, it’s a “season” is it?
A friend of mine was telling me that he was having a lot of trouble with his new tax software. He’s thinking now — he did buy the cheapest software he could find and he’s pretty sure the company that made the software isn’t very reputable and maybe he should return it to the gas station where he bought it… The top five other ways to tell that you bought the wrong tax software…
#5. Before you can enter your tax information, you must navigate an intricate maze through a crocodile infested swamp with Scooby-Doo!
#4. If at any point it asks you to type in your exact weight and height.
#3. If pop-up adds for “the good tax software” keep popping up.
#2. If you have to email all of your tax information and a credit card number and it’s the same email address that you use to buy your email Viagra.
#1. If someone has written in “Dorothy The Accountant” on the box in crayon.
If you are looking for new and “different” ways to celebrate Earth Day, here are some suggestions…
#5. Make clever gifts for each other using only materials that are found on Earth like, gold, silver, chocolate, rubber, wood, plastic, mercury, bacon, ducks, etc…
#4. Throw a big party for Earth but don’t invite Megatron, Loki or any Romulans. Do invite Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Steve Buscemi.
#3. Calculate your Carbon Footprint and then make it you Facebook status for the day! (Example: Mine is 19.9 metric tons)
#2. Watch the movie 2012, but shut it off right before the global cataclysm.
#2a. Show compassion for faux-planets like Pluto, but never let them forget you got your own day!
#1. Use less energy by avoiding unnecessary switching of radio channels.
Happy Earth Day. I hope we win Planet of The Year again this year!
More on Earth Day here…
St. Patrick’s death occurred on either March 8th or 9th in 461 A.D. Church officials weren’t sure so they added them together and made it the 17th. Good thing it wasn’t March 28th or 29th…
Mike’s top five Worst St. Patrick’s Day jokes.
Lucky Charms – photo taken by Evan-Amos
#5. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s day!
#4. Why did the leprechaun buy TWO lottery tickets? Dublin his odds!
#3. Why would you never iron a four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck.
#2. Why are leprechauns always asking for money? Because they’re always a little short before payday.
#1. Where does a leprechaun buy his suits? From a four leaf clothier.
Top five ways to get in trouble on St Patrick’s Day.
#5. Eat haggis, drink scotch and insist Scotland and Ireland are the same thing.
#4. Wear a button that says “Kiss me, I’m Iris”.
#3. Insist you are wearing something green and it’s right here on your finger.
#2. Go door to door – demanding candy.
#1. Re-introduce snakes to the island.
Ways to tell your neighbor might be a Leprechaun
#5. Always tries to cover up his Irish accent by saying things like “G’day Mate..”.
#4. Rainbow always seems to end in his backyard.
#3. Spends his summers planting clover along foothills blvd…
#2. Always wears green and he isn’t even from Saskatchewan.
#1. Always thinks everyone is after his Lucky Charms!
Planets around stars in the Milky Way. (M. Kornmesser /ESA/NASA)
Out of roughly 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy, a new analysis of Kepler data shows that around 17 percent of them have Earth-sized planets orbiting them, meaning there could be as many as 17 billion Earth-sized worlds. Kepler’s mission is to find and document Earth-sized planets at greater distances. The more planets discovered with Earth-like orbits in the habitable zone, the greater the chances of extraterrestrial life.
Being a similar size to Earth isn’t the only qualification for a life-sustaining planet, there are other criteria…
#5. Does it contain the essentials elements for building and sustaining life (carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen and phosphorus – arguably iron as well.)?
#4. Is it nice and warm during parts of the year and a little chillier during other parts of the year?
#3. Are there little people all making noises, yelling, waving and holding big signs saying “this speck contains life”? (ala Horton Hears a Who) #2. Is it pristine and beautiful and does it contain enough inner wealth so we might lay it to waste in an orgy of self indulgence?
#1. Do they have at least one Tim Hortons?!
If you’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places, try a few of these powerful love-lines to reach the Jedi level of Romancery.
#5. Yoda one for me.
#5a. I love you with Maul my heart.
#4. I’ve lookin’ for love in Alderaan places.
#4a. I find your lack of love disturbing.
#3. Our love will never Endor.
#3a. You R2 good for me.
#2. You’re the Obi-Won for me!
#1. (Yoda) Be mine you must? Then be mine you will.
Top five best Christmas jokes of allll time… Volume One!
#5. What’s the most popular Christmas wine? ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’
#4. Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.
#3. What’s wrong with the way they teach the alphabet at the North Pole. No L!
#2. What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
#1. What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
Thank you Manwalksintoajoke…
Top five best Christmas jokes of all time… Volume two…
#5. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
#4. What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-itis.
Thanks to Hannah…
#3. What do call Santa when he stops moving? Santa Pause!
#1. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!
Thanks to Squigly’s Jokes and Riddles…
Top five best Christmas jokes of allll time… Volume Threeeeee!
#5. Did you hear about the invisible Santa? You can’t see him, but you can feel his presents.
#4. What do you call Santa Claus when he’s almost late? The Saint Nick-of-time.
#3. What goes oh, oh, oh? Santa going backwards..
#1. Why does Santa only work one day a year? There’s a Clause in his contract!
One more! What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
By: Mike Benny