Dads have had their share of wise words and sage advice over the years, but here are the top five questionable things heard from dad.
#5. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Fact is, yes it does dad. For the last 200 years almost every large denomination bill in almost every currency on Earth has been printed on paper made from trees.
#4. “A borrower nor a lender be.” Fact is who’s making huge profits these days? Banks (borrowers and lenders)!
#3. “Go ask your mom.” Fact is, we did already, that’s why we’re asking you. Mom said no.
#2. “Close the door behind you, we’re not heating the whole outside.” Fact is, we are. The mere presence of humans on earth has increased the Earth’s mean temperature by almost 10 degrees in the last 200 years.
#1. “It wasn’t me, it was the dog.” Fact is, it wasn’t the dog.
Mike’s top five odd Father’s Day gifts.
#5. A tie cake. Everyone knows, ties are more a pie item.;)
#4. Number one Dad cheese log. Because, really if it’s a cheese log there won’t be a number two.
#3. Tiger Woods’ semi-autobiographical “How to swing like a Pro”.
#2. Lindsay Lohans’ “Top ten reasons why I respect and admire my father”.
#1. Three words: Home Taxidermy kit.
Least popular Father’s Day gifts
“Oh look, a potpourri filled basket of cherry-banana-rasberry lotions and creams!”. Mike’s top five other least popular Father’s Day gift ideas.
#5. The Pat Bell home barber kit (second only to the Ron Polillo “hair removal system”).
#4. An overly mushy card. Keep it to something like this: “If we ever need to know the score, you’re always there”.
#3. Anything that “goes with the lamps”.
#2. Any book that has a title that contains the words “for Dummies” or “quick and easy”.
#1. A handsome wall plaque listing all of Bill Gates accomplishments next to a list of all of Dad’s accomplishments (better idea might be, a handsome wall plaque listing all of Lindsay Lohan’s Dad’s accomplishments next to your dad’s..).
Top five things you’ll never hear dad say
Our contest “Play Dad” is all about things that dad would say. Mike’s top five things you’ll NEVER hear dad say.
#5. Why would you want to go get a job? I have tons of money and don’t mind forkin’ it out so you can lolly gag at the University of Dad’s Paying.
#4. You know pumpkin, I think you’re ready for unchaperoned car dates.
#3. Your mom and I are going away for the weekend, why don’t you have a few friends over for a party while we’re gone.
#2. Here’s my credit card, go crazy! See you at the food court whenever you feel you’ve shopped enough.
#1. Well how about that, I guess I’m lost. I better stop and ask someone for directions.
A friend of mine was telling me that he was having a lot of trouble with his new tax software. He’s thinking now — he did buy the cheapest software he could find and he’s pretty sure the company that made the software isn’t very reputable and maybe he should return it to the gas station where he bought it… The top five other ways to tell that you bought the wrong tax software…
#5. Before you can enter your tax information, you must navigate an intricate maze through a crocodile infested swamp with Scooby-Doo!
#4. If at any point it asks you to type in your exact weight and height.
#3. If pop-up adds for “the good tax software” keep popping up.
#2. If you have to email all of your tax information and a credit card number and it’s the same email address that you use to buy your email Viagra.
#1. If someone has written in “Dorothy The Accountant” on the box in crayon.
Out of roughly 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy, a new analysis of Kepler data shows that around 17 percent of them have Earth-sized planets orbiting them, meaning there could be as many as 17 billion Earth-sized worlds. Kepler’s mission is to find and document Earth-sized planets at greater distances. The more planets discovered with Earth-like orbits in the habitable zone, the greater the chances of extraterrestrial life.
Being a similar size to Earth isn’t the only qualification for a life-sustaining planet, there are other criteria…
#5. Does it contain the essentials elements for building and sustaining life (carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen and phosphorus – arguably iron as well.)?
#4. Is it nice and warm during parts of the year and a little chillier during other parts of the year?
#3. Are there little people all making noises, yelling, waving and holding big signs saying “this speck contains life”? (ala Horton Hears a Who) #2. Is it pristine and beautiful and does it contain enough inner wealth so we might lay it to waste in an orgy of self indulgence?