Top five things my mother taught me

My Mother taught me well

Just in time for Mother’s Day… I’m not sure where this came from, but it sure is right-on.

The top five things my mother taught me…

#5. My mother taught me logic. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

#4. My mother taught me irony. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

#3. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

#2. My mother taught me about contortion-ism. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

#1. My mother taught me religion. “You better pray that stain comes out of the carpet.”

You bought the wrong tax software

Taxes

Tax season? Oh, it’s a “season” is it?


A friend of mine was telling me that he was having a lot of trouble with his new tax software. He’s thinking now — he did buy the cheapest software he could find and he’s pretty sure the company that made the software isn’t very reputable and maybe he should return it to the gas station where he bought it… The top five other ways to tell that you bought the wrong tax software…

#5. Before you can enter your tax information, you must navigate an intricate maze through a crocodile infested swamp with Scooby-Doo!

#4. If at any point it asks you to type in your exact weight and height.

#3. If pop-up adds for “the good tax software” keep popping up.

#2. If you have to email all of your tax information and a credit card number and it’s the same email address that you use to buy your email Viagra.

#1. If someone has written in “Dorothy The Accountant” on the box in crayon.

Ways to celebrate Earth Day

poster_8-5x11If you are looking for new and “different” ways to celebrate Earth Day, here are some suggestions…

#5. Make clever gifts for each other using only materials that are found on Earth like, gold, silver, chocolate, rubber, wood, plastic, mercury, bacon, ducks, etc…

#4. Throw a big party for Earth but don’t invite Megatron, Loki or any Romulans. Do invite Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Steve Buscemi.

#3. Calculate your Carbon Footprint and then make it you Facebook status for the day! (Example: Mine is 19.9 metric tons)

#2. Watch the movie 2012, but shut it off right before the global cataclysm.

#2a. Show compassion for faux-planets like Pluto, but never let them forget you got your own day!

#1. Use less energy by avoiding unnecessary switching of radio channels.

Happy Earth Day. I hope we win Planet of The Year again this year!

More on Earth Day here…

 

St. Patrick’s Day Jokes!

St. Patrick’s death occurred on either March 8th or 9th in 461 A.D. Church officials weren’t sure so they added them together and made it the 17th. Good thing it wasn’t March 28th or 29th…


Mike’s top five Worst St. Patrick’s Day jokes.

Lucky Charms

Lucky Charms – photo taken by Evan-Amos

#5. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s day!

#4. Why did the leprechaun buy TWO lottery tickets? Dublin his odds!

#3. Why would you never iron a four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

#2. Why are leprechauns always asking for money? Because they’re always a little short before payday.

#1. Where does a leprechaun buy his suits? From a four leaf clothier.


Top five ways to get in trouble on St Patrick’s Day.

#5. Eat haggis, drink scotch and insist Scotland and Ireland are the same thing.

#4. Wear a button that says “Kiss me, I’m Iris”.

#3. Insist you are wearing something green and it’s right here on your finger.

#2. Go door to door – demanding candy.

#1. Re-introduce snakes to the island.


Ways to tell your neighbor might be a Leprechaun

#5. Always tries to cover up his Irish accent by saying things like “G’day Mate..”.

#4. Rainbow always seems to end in his backyard.

#3. Spends his summers planting clover along foothills blvd…

#2. Always wears green and he isn’t even from Saskatchewan.

#1. Always thinks everyone is after his Lucky Charms!

17 Billion Earths – Top 5 signs there’s life on one

Planets

Planets around stars in the Milky Way. (M. Kornmesser /ESA/NASA)

Out of roughly 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy, a new analysis of Kepler data shows that around 17 percent of them have Earth-sized planets orbiting them, meaning there could be as many as 17 billion Earth-sized worlds. Kepler’s mission is to find and document Earth-sized planets at greater distances. The more planets discovered with Earth-like orbits in the habitable zone, the greater the chances of extraterrestrial life.

Being a similar size to Earth isn’t the only qualification for a life-sustaining planet, there are other criteria…

#5. Does it contain the essentials elements for building and sustaining life (carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen and phosphorus – arguably iron as well.)?

#4. Is it nice and warm during parts of the year and a little chillier during other parts of the year?

#3. Are there little people all making noises, yelling, waving and holding big signs saying “this speck contains life”? (ala Horton Hears a Who) #2. Is it pristine and beautiful and does it contain enough inner wealth so we might lay it to waste in an orgy of self indulgence?

#1. Do they have at least one Tim Hortons?!

It’s a Star Wars Valentine’s Day

jedi vdayIf you’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places, try a few of these powerful love-lines to reach the Jedi level of Romancery.

#5. Yoda one for me.
#5a. I love you with Maul my heart.
#4. I’ve lookin’ for love in Alderaan places.
#4a. I find your lack of love disturbing.
#3. Our love will never Endor.
#3a. You R2 good for me.
#2. You’re the Obi-Won for me!
#1. (Yoda) Be mine you must? Then be mine you will.

Top five best Christmas jokes of all time

Merry Christmas says the dog

Top five best Christmas jokes of allll time… Volume One!
#5. What’s the most popular Christmas wine? ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’
#4. Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.
#3. What’s wrong with the way they teach the alphabet at the North Pole. No L!
#2. What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
#1. What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

Thank you Manwalksintoajoke…

Top five best Christmas jokes of all time… Volume two…
#5. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
#4. What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-itis.

Thanks to Hannah…

#3. What do call Santa when he stops moving? Santa Pause!
#1. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!

Thanks to Squigly’s Jokes and Riddles…

Top five best Christmas jokes of allll time… Volume Threeeeee!
#5. Did you hear about the invisible Santa? You can’t see him, but you can feel his presents.
#4. What do you call Santa Claus when he’s almost late? The Saint Nick-of-time.
#3. What goes oh, oh, oh? Santa going backwards..
#1. Why does Santa only work one day a year? There’s a Clause in his contract!

One more! What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


By: Mike Benny

November 15 is National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day

Today is Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day

Image from eatocracy.cnn.com

Image from eatocracy.cnn.com

“The origins of National Clean out Your Refrigerator Day are not entirely clear; one Web site pins it on a Whirlpool Appliance Ad campaign from years ago, while other sites say it’s to make space for Thanksgiving provisions.  more here…

To help you out – –  here are Mike’s top five tips for cleaning out the fridge…
#5. Throw out that salad dressing bottle that’s upside down in the door rack – if you haven’t used that last little bit yet, you’re not going to.
#4. The Tupperware that’s in the far back corner that no one knows what’s in it – throw the whole thing out, Tupperware and all – before it climbs out of there on it’s own and eats the dog one night.
#3. Do it before you eat so nothing comes up when you gag.
#2. When checking best before dates…. remember to check the year too.
#1. Get the job done quickly and don’t get wrapped up in that game where you open the door really quickly to see if you can catch the light still off.. kept ME goin’ for hours!

Ways to tell it’s now #November

Halloween is behind us now, the clocks have gone back one hour and we now begin our long dark journey through winter. Top five other ways to tell it’s November.
#5. You find yourself wondering why everyone is mispronouncing it Mo-vember…
#4. Candy wrappers and pumpkin guts everywhere this morning.
#3. The calendar won’t stay stuck to the fridge anymore (unless you have a really powerful magnet).
#2. Huge volcanic zits magically appearing – after eating your weight in peanut butter cups and mini Oh’ Henry’s.
#1. Six mini Bandaids later, you’re wondering why the heck they don’t have Velcro poppies.

Fewer kids this Halloween?

It seemed like not as many kids as usual were out trick or treating last night. Mike’s top five reasons why there might have been fewer kids at your door this year.

#5. You inadvertently answered the door while cleaning your chainsaw and your goalie mask.

#4. You were answering the door in your bath robe – holding a smoke in one hand – a tall gin and tonic in the other hand – telling all the kids that you were out of candy but “here’s a handful of Aspirin”.

#3. I guess that rabid snow monkey tied to the post, throwing fecal matter at people in the front yard was more effective than you thought it would be.

#2. The crazy cat lady from the morning show, wouldn’t give you any candy til she correctly guessed your age – – and it takes forrrrrrrevvvvvver!

#1. Ya, I guess shutting off all the lights and hiding in the basement worked again! All the more for me!