- You’re tired of seeing this guy on television, but you still feel mildly proud when he shows up on U.S. tv channels.
- You know the French words for “trans fat”, “crunch” and “cereal”.
- You have twin boys named Wayne and Gordie.
- You substitute beer for water when cooking.
– You’ve purposefully said ‘Eh’ at the end of a sentence, pretending to pretend that you’re a Canadian.
- You can’t walk past a pile of flat rocks without making an inukshuk!
– You’re not sure if you like him, but you would buy him a beer.
– Not sure who this is, but thanks to her, we get a long weekend in May!
Thank you for the day off Victoria!
- You dismiss all beers under 6% as “for children and the elderly.
Happy Canada Day!
From StandingOnGuard.com, here are the 92 signs you might be too Canadian
I’ve taken a few liberties, shorten the list and added a few of my own… ;)
Dads have had their share of wise words and sage advice over the years, but here are the top five questionable things heard from dad.
#5. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Fact is, yes it does dad. For the last 200 years almost every large denomination bill in almost every currency on Earth has been printed on paper made from trees.
#4. “A borrower nor a lender be.” Fact is who’s making huge profits these days? Banks (borrowers and lenders)!
#3. “Go ask your mom.” Fact is, we did already, that’s why we’re asking you. Mom said no.
#2. “Close the door behind you, we’re not heating the whole outside.” Fact is, we are. The mere presence of humans on earth has increased the Earth’s mean temperature by almost 10 degrees in the last 200 years.
#1. “It wasn’t me, it was the dog.” Fact is, it wasn’t the dog.
Maybe you’re not sure why your son or daughter wasn’t asked to be valedictorian of their grad class this year.
Here are the top five reasons why the grad at your house wasn’t asked to be valedictorian.
#5. He keeps insisting he’s waiting til he’s married “for that”.
#4. Can’t understand it either? Everyone in his “My Manga / Anime girlfriend” chat group thinks he should be…
#3. Would love to be valedictorian, because he really loves animals.
#2. On his college application form, keeps asking how to spell “CNC”.
#1. Keeps insisting he was asked to be valedictorian, but couldn’t, because he had grad that weekend.
My Mother taught me well
Just in time for Mother’s Day… I’m not sure where this came from, but it sure is right-on.
The top five things my mother taught me…
#5. My mother taught me logic. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
#4. My mother taught me irony. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
#3. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
#2. My mother taught me about contortion-ism. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
#1. My mother taught me religion. “You better pray that stain comes out of the carpet.”
Southern Methodist University, Central University Libraries, DeGolyer Library
According to wikiHow…
On May 5, 1862, the Mexican Army, against all odds, defeated French forces in the Battle of Puebla. On Cinco de Mayo (Spanish for the 5th of May), many Mexicans around the world celebrate their Mexican ancestry and people of all backgrounds can take the time to appreciate Mexican culture.
Usually Cinco de Mayo is celebrated with parades, special dinners and Mexican themed parties (Hummus Brothers are doing a special Cinco de Mayo day here).
If you’re looking for an alternative way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, I have some other suggestions…
#5. Quickly fly to Mexico and immerse yourself in the culture. Or walk around the back yard in sandals and tacky tourist ware asking where the cabana is.
#4. Tell that joke about the sheep’s favourite Christmas song: Fleece Navidad.
#3. Have mayo on everything (BOOOO!).
#2. Gather ’round the TV and watch game two. No wait, that would be Cinco de Ducks-o.
#1. Hot fries, hot gravy, guacamole, salsa and cheese curd all baked in a taco shell crust (hangin’ from the ceiling…) and you have a Poutine Piñata!
If you are looking for new and “different” ways to celebrate Earth Day, here are some suggestions…
#5. Make clever gifts for each other using only materials that are found on Earth like, gold, silver, chocolate, rubber, wood, plastic, mercury, bacon, ducks, etc…
#4. Throw a big party for Earth but don’t invite Megatron, Loki or any Romulans. Do invite Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Steve Buscemi.
#3. Calculate your Carbon Footprint and then make it you Facebook status for the day! (Example: Mine is 19.9 metric tons)
#2. Watch the movie 2012, but shut it off right before the global cataclysm.
#2a. Show compassion for faux-planets like Pluto, but never let them forget you got your own day!
#1. Use less energy by avoiding unnecessary switching of radio channels.
Happy Earth Day. I hope we win Planet of The Year again this year!
More on Earth Day here…
I think I saw the Easter Bunny yesterday, but I’m not sure if it was the real Easter Bunny or just some guy dressed up like a bunny.
Mike’s top five signs that’s probably not the real Easter Bunny.
#5. Smells like dryer sheets and menthol.
#4. He keeps bragging about the double-time-and-a-half he’ll be getting for working a regular day off that falls on a stat holiday.
#3. His costume is made from a clubbed seal.
#2. He disappears down his hole for days at a time, then all of sudden shows up at a night-club with Charlie Sheen.
#1. He has a beard and is wearing red pants, red coat and big black boots.
and a few more…
#1a. Likes to show everyone the pictures he has of when he was the Energizer Bunny doing the Cha Cha with Pam Anderson (in the 80’s).
#1b. He keeps telling you how he makes so much more than Santa.
Yum. Beef shower. – Photo by alaahammou
Looking to have some fun on Sunday? Mike’s top five (10) April Fool’s Day pranks.
#10. Get everyone up really early and tell them that this is the weekend we turn the clocks back an hour.
#9. Switch the signs on the men’s and ladies’ washrooms at church.
#8. Hide food in a trash can and when someone comes by grab some and eat it.
#7. Glue the handset from the phone to the cradle.
#6. Glue all the eggs into the carton.
#5. Remove the shower head and place a beef bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
#4. Go to Tim Hortons with your loser roll up the rim cup and demand they give you a “play again”, whatever that is?!
#3. If they come to pick up your garbage in the morning, run out and ask the guy for a receipt.
#2. Don’t fix any of the pot holes.
#1. Pretend you’re gonna start charging for parking downtown!
Here are a few more from Guyism…
By: Mike Benny
Starbucks has been testing the sale of beer and wine in some of it’s location. They already have an “alcohol and light bites” menu in a few locations, and will be expanding it to thousands of stores soon.
Top five potential problems with selling booze at Starbucks.
#5. Flask sales way down.
#4. The only place on earth where a glass of wine is actually MORE expensive than at the airport lounge.
#3. That caffeine and Merlo combo can make happy HOUR last for days.
#2. That “lady” that shows up at 10am for a Venti double-Shiraz “after her morning show” then sits there all day eating samples.
#1. The barista now wants a tip AND your empties!
By: Mike Benny
Spring officially arrives at 9:57am with the Spring Equinox. But, there are other ways to tell it’s the first day of Spring…
5. It’s March 20th…
4. Scraping your windshield in the morning and washing your car in the driveway in the afternoon.
3. Two words: Cadbury Eggs!
2. Your buddy from Australia just called to complain about the fact that summer is over and it’s the first day of fall!
1. At the gas station, they’re re-label the “Traction Sandbags”, “Flood Protection Sandbags”.