Archive for Top Five

Five ways to prepare for the May long weekend

May 18, 2013 Top Five No comments

May not be a good time to camp

Mike’s top five ways to prepare for the May long weekend.

#5. Switch from spf 15 to Turtle Wax.

#4. Hide all your camping gear, before the kids find it.

#3. Stock up! It’s called the “May 2-4” weekend for a reason.

#2. Spend $75 on a fishing license and fishing gear, just to end up at the Save On fish counter by Sunday night anyway.

#1. Fill every container you own with gasoline, before the price goes thru the roof at 5pm Friday! ** It hit 142.9 Friday afternoon!!

and if you’re actually contemplating going camping this weekend, here are the top five signs you need to invest in an RV.

#5. After tenting last year on the May long weekend, you ended up with both frostbite AND sunburn.

#4. You caught your kids on craigslist offer to sell a Coleman stove, lantern and tent, cheap!

#3. Your tent trailer doubles as a wheelbarrow in the off season.

#2. One night in the rain, shivering in the fetal position, while watching vulture-sized mosquitoes carry off your Shih Tzu, is one night too many.

#1. Puss filled, blotchy, swollen eyes and face from a rare combination of mosquito bites, allergies and using gasoline to start the campfire.

 

The top five things mom really wants for Mother’s Day

May 9, 2013 Top Five No comments

Happy Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is coming up on Sunday, so here are some things that mom really wants for Mother’s Day. Mike’s top five things mom really wants for Mother’s Day.

#5. To eat an entire meal without the discussion of human bodily functions at the table.

#4. Go shopping at the mall without the “why is this person my mother” look.

#3. At least five minutes in the bathroom without someone knocking on the door because they can’t find something.

#2. Not the entire Die Hard series on Blue Ray, not a kettle, not a good sturdy shovel (unless you want to wear it).

#1. I believe the correct formula is; hours of labour multiplied by years of service, expressed in dollars (rounded up).

More on Mother’s Day here…

 

Top five things my mother taught me

May 7, 2013 Top Five No comments

My Mother taught me well

Just in time for Mother’s Day… I’m not sure where this came from, but it sure is right-on.

The top five things my mother taught me…

#5. My mother taught me logic. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

#4. My mother taught me irony. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

#3. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

#2. My mother taught me about contortion-ism. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

#1. My mother taught me religion. “You better pray that stain comes out of the carpet.”

How to celebrate Cinco de Mayo

May 2, 2013 Top Five No comments
Southern Methodist University, Central University Libraries, DeGolyer Library

Southern Methodist University, Central University Libraries, DeGolyer Library

According to wikiHow…

On May 5, 1862, the Mexican Army, against all odds, defeated French forces in the Battle of Puebla. On Cinco de Mayo (Spanish for the 5th of May), many Mexicans around the world celebrate their Mexican ancestry and people of all backgrounds can take the time to appreciate Mexican culture.

Usually Cinco de Mayo is celebrated with parades, special dinners and Mexican themed parties (Hummus Brothers are doing a special Cinco de Mayo day here).

If you’re looking for an alternative way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, I have some other suggestions…

#5. Quickly fly to Mexico and immerse yourself in the culture. Or walk around the back yard in sandals and tacky tourist ware asking where the cabana is.

#4. Tell that joke about the sheep’s favourite Christmas song: Fleece Navidad.

#3. Have mayo on everything (BOOOO!).

#2. Gather ’round the TV and watch game three. No wait, that would be Cinco de Sharks-o.

#1. Hot fries, hot gravy, guacamole, salsa and cheese curd all baked in a taco shell crust (hangin’ from the ceiling…) and you have a Poutine Piñata!

Ways to celebrate Earth Day 2013

April 14, 2013 Top Five No comments

Earth

Earth Day 2013 is Monday April 22, 2013

More info here…

If you are looking for new and “different” ways to celebrate Earth Day, here are some suggestions…

#5. Make clever gifts for each other using only materials that are found on Earth like, gold, silver, chocolate, rubber, wood, plastic, mercury, bacon, ducks, etc…

#4. Throw a big party for Earth but don’t invite Megatron, Loki or any Romulans. Do invite Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Steve Buscemi.

#3. Calculate your Carbon Footprint and then make it you Facebook status for the day! (Example: Mine is 19.9 metric tons)

#2. Watch the movie 2012, but shut it off right before the global cataclysm.

#2a. Show compassion for faux-planets like Pluto but never let them forget you got your own day!

#1. Use less energy by avoiding unnecessary switching of radio channels.

Happy Earth Day. I hope we win Planet of The Year again this year!

So, why did the moose walk into the Safeway store?

April 11, 2013 Top Five No comments
Photograph by: @aspensmithers , Twitter

Photograph by: @aspensmithers , Twitter

Did you hear the one about the moose that wandered into a Safeway store in Smithers?

Details here -> Safeway shoppers in Smithers get surprise visit from moose.

So, why did the moose walk into the Safeway store? [I understand the real story is that customers where feeding the moose apples in the parking lot, til the moose made his way in thru the automatic doors.]

Top five reasons why that moose was in the Safeway store.

#5. Needed change. No quarter for a buggy.

#4. Great price on mangos.

#3. Whoops. Clean up in aisle 3, 4 and 5.

#2. Heard there was a hot Alpaca workin’ the deli counter.

#1. “Out all night with Rocky, Boris and Natasha – thought this was my place. My bad.”

Top five signs it’s spring in Prince George

March 20, 2013 Top Five No comments
The PG Shih Tzu

The PG Shih Tzu

Spring is here! You can tell because it snows in the morning, melts in the afternoon and it stays bright outside til after six now! Mike’s top five other signs it’s spring in Prince George!

#6. 3cm of snow on the ground this morning. :/

Mike’s top five signs it’s spring in Prince George!

#5. Pothole dodging has transformed 5th Ave into BC’s longest automobile slalom course (a demonstration sport at the Canada Winter Games in 2015?).

#4. Six months of Shih Tzu nuggets in the backyard, even more overpowering than that smell coming from the mill.

#3. Hockey is done. Just waiting for spring hockey to start before hockey school gets underway.

#2. You go to Canadian Tire looking for a snow blower and all you see is patio furniture and lawn mowers.

#1. Probably only three or four major snow storms left before June!

St. Patrick’s Day Jokes and No-No’s.

March 15, 2013 Top Five No comments

Mike’s top five St. Patrick’s Day jokes.

Lucky Charms

Lucky Charms – photo taken by Evan-Amos

#5. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s day!

#4. Why did the leprechaun buy TWO lottery tickets? Dublin his odds!

#3. Why would you never iron a four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

#2. Why are leprechauns always asking for money? Because they’re always a little short before payday.

#1. Where does a leprechaun buy his suits? From a four leaf clothier.

Top five ways to get in trouble on St Patrick’s Day.

#5. Eat haggis, drink scotch and insist Scotland and Ireland are the same thing.

#4. Wear a button that says “Kiss me, I’m Iris”.

#3. Insist you are wearing something green and it’s right here on your finger.

#2. Go door to door – demanding candy.

#1. Re-introduce snakes to the island.

Ways to tell your neighbor might be a Leprechaun

#5. Always bringing his big green finger to the Cougar games.

#4. Rainbow always seems to end in his backyard.

#3. Thinks everyone is always after his Lucky Charms!

#2. Plays in the same rec basketball league as Ron Polillo.

#1. ** Leave a suggested #1 in the comment box below **

How to make a Top Five List

February 18, 2013 Top Five No comments

Gen_topfiveIf you want to make a Top Five List – and who doesn’t?! Here are the top five steps to Top-Five-Listdom,  Jedi level!

#5. Start with a topic and a title. Find a topic that you are interested in and include the topic in the title of the list, so people will know what it’s going to be about right at the start (and they’ll have a chance to find something more interesting on the other channel).

#4. Make a rough outline of what you want the list to look like. Is your list going to be funny or informative or a bit of both? Do you want the funny stuff at the beginning or at the end of the list? Include the word Jedi somewhere on your list for bonus points.

#3. Do some Googleing on the subject and see if others have already covered the topic. If so, find another angle. Example: if there is already a Top Five List about ‘Why Disney should make the next Star Wars movie‘, make your list the ‘Top Five ways Yoda would kick Mickey Mouse’s butt in a Disney Star Wars‘.

#2. Make it personal. Your list should be based on your personal experiences, thoughts or insights on the topic. Example: the ‘Top Five good things about the Easter Bunny‘ might be good, but the ‘Top Five reasons why I think the Easter Bunny should be Pope‘ will be awesome!

#1. Just like Santa – make a list and check it twice. Spelling mistakes are unnecessary, bad grammar is redonkulous and nothing is worse than a top five list with four items.

 

Top five signs a meteorite might be heading for us

February 15, 2013 Top Five No comments

Wow… 10 ton meteor explodes over Russia, injures more than 750. CBC News story.

In other news: Another meteor is heading our way today. NASA is saying there is no chance at all that it will hit the earth. They admit they didn’t even see this last one coming, but they’re 100% positive this next one won’t hit us. However they are recommending that around 11:30 this morning… everyone on Earth lean to the left.

Could one be heading for us? Mike’s top five signs a meteorite might be heading for Prince George.

#5. There are already large holes all over our roads.

#4. I’m pretty sure I saw Gru with his shrink ray in the mall parking lot.

#3. Mysterious activity out at the PG Observatory (lots of nervous pacing by Jeff Goldblum).

#2. NASA officials were seen unpacking a giant trampoline near Hixon.

#1. Google Earth has replaced aerial photos of Prince George with a giant arrow and radiating yellow circles.

 

 

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