St. Patrick’s Day Jokes!

St. Patrick’s death occurred on either March 8th or 9th in 461 A.D. Church officials weren’t sure so they added them together and made it the 17th. Good thing it wasn’t March 28th or 29th…


Mike’s top five Worst St. Patrick’s Day jokes.

Lucky Charms

Lucky Charms – photo taken by Evan-Amos

#5. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s day!

#4. Why did the leprechaun buy TWO lottery tickets? Dublin his odds!

#3. Why would you never iron a four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

#2. Why are leprechauns always asking for money? Because they’re always a little short before payday.

#1. Where does a leprechaun buy his suits? From a four leaf clothier.


Top five ways to get in trouble on St Patrick’s Day.

#5. Eat haggis, drink scotch and insist Scotland and Ireland are the same thing.

#4. Wear a button that says “Kiss me, I’m Iris”.

#3. Insist you are wearing something green and it’s right here on your finger.

#2. Go door to door – demanding candy.

#1. Re-introduce snakes to the island.


Ways to tell your neighbor might be a Leprechaun

#5. Always tries to cover up his Irish accent by saying things like “G’day Mate..”.

#4. Rainbow always seems to end in his backyard.

#3. Spends his summers planting clover along foothills blvd…

#2. Always wears green and he isn’t even from Saskatchewan.

#1. Always thinks everyone is after his Lucky Charms!

17 Billion Earths – Top 5 signs there’s life on one

Planets

Planets around stars in the Milky Way. (M. Kornmesser /ESA/NASA)

Out of roughly 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy, a new analysis of Kepler data shows that around 17 percent of them have Earth-sized planets orbiting them, meaning there could be as many as 17 billion Earth-sized worlds. Kepler’s mission is to find and document Earth-sized planets at greater distances. The more planets discovered with Earth-like orbits in the habitable zone, the greater the chances of extraterrestrial life.

Being a similar size to Earth isn’t the only qualification for a life-sustaining planet, there are other criteria…

#5. Does it contain the essentials elements for building and sustaining life (carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen and phosphorus – arguably iron as well.)?

#4. Is it nice and warm during parts of the year and a little chillier during other parts of the year?

#3. Are there little people all making noises, yelling, waving and holding big signs saying “this speck contains life”? (ala Horton Hears a Who) #2. Is it pristine and beautiful and does it contain enough inner wealth so we might lay it to waste in an orgy of self indulgence?

#1. Do they have at least one Tim Hortons?!

It’s a Star Wars Valentine’s Day

jedi vdayIf you’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places, try a few of these powerful love-lines to reach the Jedi level of Romancery.

#5. Yoda one for me.
#5a. I love you with Maul my heart.
#4. I’ve lookin’ for love in Alderaan places.
#4a. I find your lack of love disturbing.
#3. Our love will never Endor.
#3a. You R2 good for me.
#2. You’re the Obi-Won for me!
#1. (Yoda) Be mine you must? Then be mine you will.

Top five best Christmas jokes of all time

Merry Christmas says the dog

Top five best Christmas jokes of allll time… Volume One!
#5. What’s the most popular Christmas wine? ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’
#4. Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.
#3. What’s wrong with the way they teach the alphabet at the North Pole. No L!
#2. What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
#1. What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

Thank you Manwalksintoajoke…

Top five best Christmas jokes of all time… Volume two…
#5. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
#4. What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-itis.

Thanks to Hannah…

#3. What do call Santa when he stops moving? Santa Pause!
#1. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!

Thanks to Squigly’s Jokes and Riddles…

Top five best Christmas jokes of allll time… Volume Threeeeee!
#5. Did you hear about the invisible Santa? You can’t see him, but you can feel his presents.
#4. What do you call Santa Claus when he’s almost late? The Saint Nick-of-time.
#3. What goes oh, oh, oh? Santa going backwards..
#1. Why does Santa only work one day a year? There’s a Clause in his contract!

One more! What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


By: Mike Benny

November 15 is National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day

Today is Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day

Image from eatocracy.cnn.com

Image from eatocracy.cnn.com

“The origins of National Clean out Your Refrigerator Day are not entirely clear; one Web site pins it on a Whirlpool Appliance Ad campaign from years ago, while other sites say it’s to make space for Thanksgiving provisions.  more here…

To help you out – –  here are Mike’s top five tips for cleaning out the fridge…
#5. Throw out that salad dressing bottle that’s upside down in the door rack – if you haven’t used that last little bit yet, you’re not going to.
#4. The Tupperware that’s in the far back corner that no one knows what’s in it – throw the whole thing out, Tupperware and all – before it climbs out of there on it’s own and eats the dog one night.
#3. Do it before you eat so nothing comes up when you gag.
#2. When checking best before dates…. remember to check the year too.
#1. Get the job done quickly and don’t get wrapped up in that game where you open the door really quickly to see if you can catch the light still off.. kept ME goin’ for hours!

Ways to tell it’s now #November

Halloween is behind us now, the clocks have gone back one hour and we now begin our long dark journey through winter. Top five other ways to tell it’s November.
#5. You find yourself wondering why everyone is mispronouncing it Mo-vember…
#4. Candy wrappers and pumpkin guts everywhere this morning.
#3. The calendar won’t stay stuck to the fridge anymore (unless you have a really powerful magnet).
#2. Huge volcanic zits magically appearing – after eating your weight in peanut butter cups and mini Oh’ Henry’s.
#1. Six mini Bandaids later, you’re wondering why the heck they don’t have Velcro poppies.

Fewer kids this Halloween?

It seemed like not as many kids as usual were out trick or treating last night. Mike’s top five reasons why there might have been fewer kids at your door this year.

#5. You inadvertently answered the door while cleaning your chainsaw and your goalie mask.

#4. You were answering the door in your bath robe – holding a smoke in one hand – a tall gin and tonic in the other hand – telling all the kids that you were out of candy but “here’s a handful of Aspirin”.

#3. I guess that rabid snow monkey tied to the post, throwing fecal matter at people in the front yard was more effective than you thought it would be.

#2. The crazy cat lady from the morning show, wouldn’t give you any candy til she correctly guessed your age – – and it takes forrrrrrrevvvvvver!

#1. Ya, I guess shutting off all the lights and hiding in the basement worked again! All the more for me!

Top five safe yet tricky Halloween “tricks”

It’s almost time for “trick or treating” and if you’re thinking about “tricking” Friday night here are Mike’s top five safe yet tricky Halloween “tricks”.

Trick foods from Foodnetwork.com

Trick foods from Foodnetwork.com

#5. Knock on the door then hide to the side of the door and pretend no one is there.

#4. Hide colorful eggs all over someone’s yard.

#3. Evoke ancient chants and solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.  Wait. Maybe not.

#2. Walk through the Haunted House going “not scary, not scary, not scary…”

#1. Dress as Dumbledore but tell everyone you’re Gandalf.

Check out how to make those chopped-up fingers and other trick foods at Foodnetwork.com

Find other Halloween top five lists here...

Top ten signs you might be too Canadian

- You’re tired of seeing this guy on television, but you still feel mildly proud when he shows up on U.S. tv channels.

image

- You know the French words for “trans fat”, “crunch” and “cereal”.

captaincrunch

- You have twin boys named Wayne and Gordie.

From NHL.COM

From NHL.COM

- You substitute beer for water when cooking.

cupcakesandcutlery.com

cupcakesandcutlery.com

– You’ve purposefully said ‘Eh’ at the end of a sentence, pretending to pretend that you’re a Canadian.

rcinet.ca

rcinet.ca

- You can’t walk past a pile of flat rocks without making an inukshuk!

innnnukshuk

– You’re not sure if you like him, but you would buy him a beer.

harperpic

– Not sure who this is, but thanks to her, we get a long weekend in May!

Queen-Victoria

Thank you for the day off Victoria!

- You dismiss all beers under 6% as “for children and the elderly.

Canadian

Happy Canada Day!

From StandingOnGuard.com, here are the 92 signs you might be too Canadian

I’ve taken a few liberties, shorten the list and added a few of my own… ;)

Top five questionable things heard from dad

Wasn’t me…

Dads have had their share of wise words and sage advice over the years, but here  are the top five questionable things heard from dad.

#5. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Fact is, yes it does dad. For the last 200 years almost every large denomination bill in almost every currency on Earth has been printed on paper made from trees.

#4. “A borrower nor a lender be.” Fact is who’s making huge profits these days? Banks (borrowers and lenders)!

#3. “Go ask your mom.” Fact is, we did already, that’s why we’re asking you. Mom said no.

#2. “Close the door behind you, we’re not heating the whole outside.” Fact is, we are. The mere presence of humans on earth has increased the Earth’s mean temperature by almost 10 degrees in the last 200 years.

#1. “It wasn’t me, it was the dog.” Fact is, it wasn’t the dog.