I saw two polls yesterday, 9% of us are opting out of Christmas gift buying this year and 46% wish they could opt out? Why would you? Here are the top five benefits of opting out of Christmas gift buying.
#5. That feeling as though a great weight has been lifted and now your spirit is free to sore.
#4. That feeling as though you have snatched away everything those around you hold dear. Called the Gary Bettman effect.
#3. Dinner time calls from the Visa and Mastercard call centre asking if you’re okay and everything is alright?
#2. Seven tons of plastic, cardboard and twisties won’t be sitting in your bin for three weeks.
#1. All the more money to spend on Boxing Day Sales!
Image from www.cksn.ca/2011/12/youre-a-mean-one-mr-bettman/
Mike’s top five signs you’ve selected a less than perfect Christmas tree.
#5. It suffers from Evergreen E.D.
#4. The sign where you bought the tree says: “Trees three bucks, No cops”.
#3. Four coat hangers are missing from your closet and no one can find the broom or the cat anymore.
#2. It’s a pyramid of empty wine bottles stacked on a kitchen chair with a construction paper star taped to the top and string of half eaten popcorn around the bottom (and it’s in Ashley’s livingroom).
#1. It hangs in the window, is very very small and makes the whole car smell piny fresh.
Our office Christmas party is tonight (at a secret location). This will be your (Ashley’s) first River DJ Christmas party, so here are the top five things to remember about a River DJ Christmas party.
#5. If you’re the last DJ out of the building and you notice a guy changing the door locks, please let us know when you get to the party.
#4. No matter how comfortable and relaxed you get, never refer to your supervisor by his level of follicle-ness.
#3. It will be a little bit like your last DJ Christmas party, when you worked at the country radio station. No mechanical bull or hub cap toss but there may be line dancin’ and pig callin’ (Soooo Weeeee!)
#2. No matter what you ask our Santa Claus for, his answer is always “Ya, I’ll try and get that on for you as soon as I can. Thank you for calling.”
#1. Make sure you have all the records back to the radio station by 6 o’clock tomorrow morning or Vanessa will be singing her whole show (again).
The average cash Christmas bonus that Canadian companies will be handing out this year is $400. Other Christmas bonus gifts for staff this year include; dinners, trips and gift certificates. Mike’s top five Christmas bonus gifts that are not so great.
#5. T-shirt that says “Just glad to be working here”.
#4. Gift certificate for the Resume Shop.
#3. Supervisor’s book of awkward Christmas party conversation starters.
#2. The gift that keeps on giving all year, Jelly of The Month Club!
If you’re not sure whether to get a real tree of a fake tree this year, maybe knowing the differences between the two will help you decide. Mike’s top five differences between real and fake Christmas trees (from December 2009).
#5. Fake tree: Clean, odor free representation of the Yule season. Real tree: The Griswalds.
#4. Fake tree: Folds back in the box on the 26th, Christmas done. Real tree: Still picking pine needles off the couch in June.
#3. Fake tree: No sap. Real tree: Sap.
#2. Fake tree: Metal, plastic and wire. Real tree: Bugs, snow and bear poop.
#1. Fake tree: Dog sees something that looks like a tree. Real tree: “Hey, they bought me a doggie urinal!”
I will be putting up my outdoor Christmas lights this weekend. If you are as well, here are Mike’s top five tips for hanging outdoor Christmas lights.
#5. They’re pretty fancy, but remember there’s a trick to those ladders on wheels.
#4. If you go into the garage and come out with The Griswold Ball of Lights, go back in the house. Try again next year.
#3. Do not wash the car or hose down the driveway just before setting up the ladder.
#2. While you’re up on the roof, if you find the glove you lost last year in the gutter, do not act surprise and scream out loud “Hey I found my glove from last year!”, just pretend you knew it was there the whole time.
#1. Remember, while at the top of the ladder if you feel it start to move – if you’re going to fall, go big!
My sister in law is now officially done decorating the house for Christmas. The tree is up (two of them), the wreath is on the door and tinsel is everywhere. Mike’s top five signs you are way too early and too into Christmas.
#5. At Costco they call you “The Christmas Lady” or “Griswold”.
#4. In your outdoor nativity scene, the three wise men are standing around looking at their watches.
#3. The baby in your manger scene is on day eight of his Movember facial.
#2. During the closing credits of the new ‘Paranormal Activity’ movie someone heard you humming the tune “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas..”
#1. Thank you cards, done! Valentine’s Day cards, ready to go! You are now working on Easter 2012!