It seemed like not as many kids as usual were out trick or treating last night. Mike’s top five reasons why there might have been fewer kids at your door this year.

#5. You inadvertently answered the door while cleaning your chainsaw and your goalie mask.

#4. You were answering the door in your bath robe – holding a smoke in one hand – a tall gin and tonic in the other hand – telling all the kids that you were out of candy but “here’s a handful of Aspirin”.

#3. I guess that rabid snow monkey tied to the post, throwing fecal matter at people in the front yard was more effective than you thought it would be.

#2. The crazy cat lady from the morning show, wouldn’t give you any candy til she correctly guessed your age – - and it takes forrrrrrrevvvvvver!

#1. Ya, I guess shutting off all the lights and hiding in the basement worked again! All the more for me!

Mike’s top five houses to avoid on Halloween night.

#5. Any house that you see Lindsay Lohan leaving with her make up all messed up.

#4. Any house that wasn’t there just a second ago.

#3. Any house with balloons tied to it and a Boy Scout on the porch.

#2. Any house with several realistic statues in the front yard of people in “running” positions.

#1. Any house handing out toothbrushes. That’s too scary. They just don’t get it.

With Halloween next weekend, you may be asking, “am I too old to go trick or treating?”. To help you decide, these are the top five signs maybe you are toooo old to be trick or treating.

#5. Your one-toothed, crocked nosed, hideous monster mask isn’t a mask (anymore).

#4. You have to get the neighborhood kids to chew your candy for you. At least until it gets nice and soft.

#3. Your Mike Benny costume has you carrying around an inflatable “Melissa” doll.

#2. While trying on your Elvira Mistress of The Dark costume, you mysteriously develop a third buttocks.

#1. At every door, you stop and explain that your treats can’t contain aspartame, because it makes your stool loose and you get really gassy.

The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown was on last night. That is the most popular Halloween special on TV! Fox had the Halloween special “Kanye West’s ‘Makin the country folk cry all hallows eve’ musical special” and I thought, oooh, that’s not going to be too popular this year. Mike’s top five other not so popular Halloween TV specials
#5. CKPG TV’s Mike Benny’s “Sweaters I Wore on TV in the 80′s!!” — Now that’s scary!
#4. Balloon boy psycho dad’s ‘Scary ways to get on TV’ 2 hour special.
#3. The Dugger’s 18 kids, 17 costumes, help mommy pick who’s out, Halloween special’.
#2. Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Halloween Hangover’.
#1. CNN’s Nancy Grace Show. – That’s not a Halloween special?! But the mask?!

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Mike’s top five pet peeves of trick or treaters.
#5. People who forget to buy candy and just offer you a bite of their perogy.
#4. People who think your Gandalf is Dumbledore.
#3. Showing up at the Jolie/Pitt house and ending up getting adopted.
#2. Inadvertently solving puzzles that open portals to Hell.
#1. People that want receipts!

People are already talking Halloween costumes (some can be pretty expensive) so here are the top five cheapo costumes this year.
#5. Yellow hard hat – case of stag Chilli – Bob The Flatulant! (a-la Bob the Builder).
#4. Go door to door in a hysterical panic looking for your headphones, demanding someone get you a coffee and a donut right now (go as a radio dj)!
#3. Instead of saying “trick or treat” – act aloof and disinterested and then just before they close the door on you, rub up against the homeowners leg (go as a cat).
#2. Walk around with a few thousand dollars cash on you, but don’t give any to anyone (go as the Sound of Money)
#1. Two months of back hair shavings and a glue stick and “Hey I’m A black Bear! I’m A black Bear!”

If you’re going to be carving your pumpkin this week, here are the top five tips for a successful pumpkin carving.
#5. Kick the face in before putting it outside, ruining all the fun for the buttheads in the neighborhood
#4. Always draw the face on before cutting or you may find the eyes suddenly become a big nose
#3. Never carve a pumpkin on your beautifully refinished dining room table
#2. Never, never say “hey it looks like Mommy in the morning!”
#1. When gutting the pumpkin start wiggling it, screaming – “Oh my God kids !!! It’s still alive!”

Are you too old to go “trick or treating” this Halloween? To help you decide, these are the top five signs maybe you are to old to be trick or treating.
#5. Your one-toothed, crocked-nosed, hideous monster mask isn’t a mask.
#4. You have to get the neighborhood kids to chew your candy for you. At least until it gets nice and soft.
#3. Your Mike Benny costume has you wearing a “550 CKPG – Prince George’s Adult Favorites” golf shirt.
#2. Three houses – bathroom stop, three houses – bathroom stop.
#1. At every door, you stop and explain that your treats can’t contain aspartame, because it makes your stool loose and you get really gassy.

ABC has It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown on tonight. What a popular Halloween special!
Top five not so popular Halloween TV specials
#5. Peter Mansbridge and “I’m too sexy for this Halloween Fashion Polooza”
#4. Rick Mercer’s “Top Ten Pumpkin Butted Politicians I’ve Seen Naked”.
#3. Dr. David Susuki’s “Having Fun on Halloween with Swollen Horse Ticks”.
#2. Mike Benny’s “Sweaters I Wore on TV in the 80’s!!”
#1. “Stinky Things For Halloween” by The Royal Canadian Air Fart!