Mike's top five

I'm not sure where this came from, but it sure is right-on. The top five things my mother taught me.
#5. My mother taught me logic. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
#4. My mother taught me irony. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
#3. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
#2. My mother taught me about contortionism. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
#1. My mother taught me religion. "You better pray that stain comes out of the carpet."