Mike’s top five preparations you should be making for Canada Day.
#5. Apologize for cutting in front of someone, even though you didn’t.
#4. If you don’t have a Canadian flag – wash your Toronto Maple Leaf jersey with something red.
#3. Practice getting up from the grass after eating your souvlaki, so you don’t have to do that big roll-over on your side, squishing they kid’s ice cream bar while you try to stand up.
#2. Practice holding it. Remember public restrooms lose their ‘sanitized for you protection’ status after being open for 2 or 3 minutes.
#1. Google the words to Oh Canada – so at least you can mouth the words if you have to.
1. How did this happen? Congress and the Senate couldn’t agree on a spending bill, so the government doesn’t have the authority to spend money.
2. What happens next? Unless they have been declared “essential,” about a million federal employees will stop working today.
3. How long will this shutdown last? Don’t know, the last one in 1995 lasted 21 days.
4. Could it happen here? No.
The way things are set up here this would never happen. If the government couldn’t pass it’s budget and lost the confidence of the house, all Canadian workers would be issued Tim Hortons gift cards (or the Governor General would dissolve the House, call an election and issue a special warrant to cover federal spending).
Glow-in-the dark dinosaur money? You’re killing me, Smalls!
Hey. So guess what?
The Royal Canadian Mint (read: the government agency responsible for creating all of Canada’s highly touted funny money) issued coins with freaking GLOW IN THE DARK DINOSAURS ON THEM this week.
This confirms my suspicion that our country is being run by 11-year-old boys on acid.
Have you ever wondered why Canada doesn’t have orphans wandering through the streets offering to shine your shoes and stuff? IT’S BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN CAPTURED BY THE GOVERNMENT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO DESIGN YOUR MONEY.