Tag: Christmas

Christmas specials I'm not looking forward to…

Michael Buble's 3rd Annual Christmas Special - Photo: ©NBC
Michael Buble’s 3rd Annual Christmas Special – Photo: ©NBC

Michael Buble’s new Christmas special will feature Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige & Cookie Monster. The new special, called Michael Buble’s 3rd Annual Christmas Special (nice naming job), will air Wednesday December 18th.

I am looking forward to that one, but here are a few Christmas specials I’m not looking forward to…

#5. Gordon Lightfoot’s “The Wreck of The Edmondfitzmas”.
#4. “The Island of Mis-fitting Clothing”, a What Not To Wear Holiday Special.
#3. “I Want Another Dog For Christmas”, The Family Guy Christmas Special. Sorry Bryan. Too soon?
#2. “Ranting In My Winter Underwear” with Rob Ford.
#2a. The politically correct, non-denominational, generic, “CBC Winter Special”.
#1. Robin and Miley’s “Happy Twerkmas”!

By: Mike Benny
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Top Five Christmas Shopping Tips

Shopping bagThe Christmas shopping season officially kicks off on Black Friday this coming Friday. To help out, here are Mike’s top five Christmas shopping tips…

#5. Don’t rush, Target is open til midnight on the 24th.

#4. If you’re not sure about sizes… get something that doesn’t come in different sizes, like snuggies and oven mitts.

#3. When buying electronics, forget the warranty. If something goes wrong with it you can sell it on eBay.

#2. Don’t worry about keeping receipts, I’m sure everything will be perfect.

#1. Gifts cards – easy to wrap.

Okay, here are some real Christmas shopping tips from Canadian Living Magazine.

Here are 6 expert tips for getting your holiday shopping done stress-free!
By Nicola Enright-Morin

1. Navigate the Net
The best thing about Internet shopping is there’s no traffic, fights for parking, grumpy sales assistants or other shoppers.

2. It’s all about the list
Before you wage war at the mall, it’s imperative to have a detailed shopping list. Prepare contingency gifts just in case.

3. Miss the mall mayhem
You’ll be amazed how much more shopping gets done when you’re the early bird — no lengthy lineups and store clerks fresh and eager to help.

4. Go solo
If you’re honestly going to get all your Christmas shopping accomplished in a day, it’s a quest you’ll have to brave alone. Kids can make the shortest shopping trip an epic journey, and going with a friend often means too much time spent in stores you don’t need.

5. Always be prepared
How often do you receive an unexpected gift from a neighbour, family member, or thoughtful colleague at work? To avoid a last-minute scramble, keep a stash.

6. Finally, remember that it’s only shopping! Take a deep breath, try to enjoy the experience and be thankful that Christmas only comes once a year.

Here’s the whole article…

By: Mike Benny
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Mike's top five unhelpful Christmas shopping tips

I’ve seen a lot of helpful shopping tips…. Here are Mike’s top five unhelpful Christmas shopping tips…

#5. Don’t be in a rush, I’m sure there will be an open gas station on the night of the 24th.

#4. The kids won’t know the difference between your old Furby and those new ones.

#3. Basically all women are the same size.

#2. That gift is perfect, there’s no way you’ll need to keep that receipt.

#1. Don’t sweat it, thanks to the Mayan calendar, Dec 21st is as close as we get!

as heard on December 11, 2012 on 101.3 The River

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Overheard in #Santa's busy workshop

Two weeks until Christmas Eve. Can you image how busy it must be up at the North Pole?

Mike’s top five things overheard in Santa’s busy workshop two weeks before Christmas.

#5. C’mon, I gotta build three million Wii U’s and iPad minis by December 24th with nothing more than elves and Victorian woodworking tools?!

#4. What?! Furbys?! They’re back?

#3. [Elf whisper] We’re being ripped off! Six bucks an hour and no overtime for working stats.. shh, he’s coming.

#2. [Santa] Hey, whose tiny little fingers are those over by the table saw?

#1. Put in a special order for coal. Turns out we’re going to need more than usual for City Council!

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Signs it's not the real #Santa

Vancouver Canucks v Chicago Blackhawks - Game Two
Santa? No.

So, I saw Santa yesterday, but I don’t think it was the real Santa. Why? Well….

#5. I’m pretty sure I saw an Easter Bunny tail sticking out of his back pocket.

#4. When no one was looking her whispered “help, get me out of here. The Elves are holding me hostage…”

#3. His reindeer looked more like two Alpaca and a goat from Noah’s Ark.

#2. He was kind of a weaselly lookin guy with a pointy chin… in a suit, across the room from Don Fehr.

#1. Instead of elves, his two helpers were Gollum and Smeagol. “prezzzz zents…”

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Shopping For The Perfect Book For Christmas?

If you’re thinking of buying someone a good book for Christmas, here are the most popular books of 2012 (so far) according to Amazon.com.

  • #1. Fifty Shades of Grey: The Trilogy (*Caution: not for grandparents or aunts and uncles or sisters and brothers or nieces and nephews or cousins… Google it, but not while you’re at work.)
  • #2. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (Google it first…)
  • #3. Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath (Self help book)
  • #4. Catching Fire (The Hunger Games, Book 2) by Suzanne Collins
  • #5. No Easy Day (The firsthand account of the mission that killed Osama Bin Laden)
  • #6. The Third Wheel (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 7)
  • #7. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn (Suspense)
  • #8. The Official SAT Study Guide (Not sure why it’s on the list…)
  • #9. A Song of Ice and Fire (The Game of Thrones series)
  • #10. The Harbinger by Johnathan Cahn (Google it first…)

If you’re thinking of buying someone a less than good book, here are Mike’s top five least popular books of 2012 (so far).

  • #5. “How to Become the Most Hated Man in Sports History”, The Gary Bettman Story.
  • #4. “Fifty Cents of Grey” by Curtis James Jackson III.
  • #3. “Game of Thrones”, A brief pictorial history of outhouses and porta pottys at outdoor music festivals.
  • #2. “The Hunger Games” by Mike Bacon… err Benny.
  • #1. “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, The story of an 8 year old at Seaworld!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoOSD2laLYg?rel=0]

My picks (for real): Life of Pi, No Logo 10 (Naomi Kline) & The Wealthy Barber Returns (David Chilton)


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Benefits of opting out of Christmas gift buying

I saw two polls yesterday, 9% of us are opting out of Christmas gift buying this year and 46% wish they could opt out? Why would you? Here are the top five benefits of opting out of Christmas gift buying.

#5. That feeling as though a great weight has been lifted and now your spirit is free to sore.

#4. That feeling as though you have snatched away everything those around you hold dear. Called the Gary Bettman effect.

#3. Dinner time calls from the Visa and Mastercard call centre asking if you’re okay and everything is alright?

#2. Seven tons of plastic, cardboard and twisties won’t be sitting in your bin for three weeks.

#1. All the more money to spend on Boxing Day Sales!

Image from www.cksn.ca/2011/12/youre-a-mean-one-mr-bettman/

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You got a lousy tree

Mike’s top five signs you’ve selected a less than perfect Christmas tree.
#5. It suffers from Evergreen E.D.
#4. The sign where you bought the tree says: “Trees three bucks, No cops”.
#3. Four coat hangers are missing from your closet and no one can find the broom or the cat anymore.
#2. It’s a pyramid of empty wine bottles stacked on a kitchen chair with a construction paper star taped to the top and string of half eaten popcorn around the bottom (and it’s in Ashley’s livingroom).
#1. It hangs in the window, is very very small and makes the whole car smell piny fresh.

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Things to remember at the DJ #ChristmasParty

Our office Christmas party is tonight (at a secret location). This will be your (Ashley’s) first River DJ Christmas party, so here are the top five things to remember about a River DJ Christmas party.
#5. If you’re the last DJ out of the building and you notice a guy changing the door locks, please let us know when you get to the party.
#4. No matter how comfortable and relaxed you get, never refer to your supervisor by his level of follicle-ness.
#3. It will be a little bit like your last DJ Christmas party, when you worked at the country radio station. No mechanical bull or hub cap toss but there may be line dancin’ and pig callin’ (Soooo Weeeee!)
#2. No matter what you ask our Santa Claus for, his answer is always “Ya, I’ll try and get that on for you as soon as I can. Thank you for calling.”
#1. Make sure you have all the records back to the radio station by 6 o’clock tomorrow morning or Vanessa will be singing her whole show (again).

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Not great Christmas Bonus gifts

The average cash Christmas bonus that Canadian companies will be handing out this year is $400. Other Christmas bonus gifts for staff this year include; dinners, trips and gift certificates. Mike’s top five Christmas bonus gifts that are not so great.

#5. T-shirt that says “Just glad to be working here”.

#4. Gift certificate for the Resume Shop.

#3. Supervisor’s book of awkward Christmas party conversation starters.

#2. The gift that keeps on giving all year, Jelly of The Month Club!

#1. Blind-fold and a smoke.

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