— Mike Benny (@bennydesk) June 22, 2015
Dads have had their share of wise words and sage advice over the years, but here are the top five questionable things heard from dad.
#5. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Fact is, yes it does dad. For the last 200 years almost every large denomination bill in almost every currency on Earth has been printed on paper made from trees.
#4. “A borrower nor a lender be.” Fact is who’s making huge profits these days? Banks (borrowers and lenders)!
#3. “Go ask your mom.” Fact is, we did already, that’s why we’re asking you. Mom said no.
#2. “Close the door behind you, we’re not heating the whole outside.” Fact is, we are. The mere presence of humans on earth has increased the Earth’s mean temperature by almost 10 degrees in the last 200 years.
#1. “It wasn’t me, it was the dog.” Fact is, it wasn’t the dog.
Mike’s top five odd Father’s Day gifts.
#5. A tie cake. Everyone knows, ties are more a pie item.;)
#4. Number one Dad cheese log. Because, really if it’s a cheese log there won’t be a number two.
#3. Tiger Woods’ semi-autobiographical “How to swing like a Pro”.
#2. Lindsay Lohans’ “Top ten reasons why I respect and admire my father”.
#1. Three words: Home Taxidermy kit.
Least popular Father’s Day gifts
“Oh look, a potpourri filled basket of cherry-banana-rasberry lotions and creams!”. Mike’s top five other least popular Father’s Day gift ideas.
#5. The Pat Bell home barber kit (second only to the Ron Polillo “hair removal system”).
#4. An overly mushy card. Keep it to something like this: “If we ever need to know the score, you’re always there”.
#3. Anything that “goes with the lamps”.
#2. Any book that has a title that contains the words “for Dummies” or “quick and easy”.
#1. A handsome wall plaque listing all of Bill Gates accomplishments next to a list of all of Dad’s accomplishments (better idea might be, a handsome wall plaque listing all of Lindsay Lohan’s Dad’s accomplishments next to your dad’s..).
Top five things you’ll never hear dad say
Our contest “Play Dad” is all about things that dad would say. Mike’s top five things you’ll NEVER hear dad say.
#5. Why would you want to go get a job? I have tons of money and don’t mind forkin’ it out so you can lolly gag at the University of Dad’s Paying.
#4. You know pumpkin, I think you’re ready for unchaperoned car dates.
#3. Your mom and I are going away for the weekend, why don’t you have a few friends over for a party while we’re gone.
#2. Here’s my credit card, go crazy! See you at the food court whenever you feel you’ve shopped enough.
#1. Well how about that, I guess I’m lost. I better stop and ask someone for directions.
#5. For the day to be at least one tenth as special as that darn Mother’s Day.
#4. Here’s a clue, sounds like “Miding Rower”.
#3. The last piece of bacon.
#2. Number one Dad t-shirt, badge or tie. Seriously, that is what we want. Last year I got a #3 Dad t-shirt and I was happy just to be in the top five, but this year I’m going for #1!
#1. Please understand, if it’s not a joke card or it doesn’t play a song when I open it, I’m not readin’ it out loud.
Here, just in time for Father’s Day are Mike’s top five Father’s Day jokes.
#5. How many Dad’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but “.. it will probably take a couple of weeks and I might have to put it up on the hoist..”
#4. What do you get when you cross your Dad with your Mom? You.
#3. Why did the Dad cross the road? He was quite hungry and was just chasing after the chicken
#2. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Aren’t you going to get that. “No, it’s probably for your mom..”
#1. What do you say to your dad after a 2-2 hockey game? Nice Tie dad!
Just in case you need one today.. Mike’s top five excuses for missing Father’s Day.
#5. Thought it was author’s day – I sent Dan Brown a card instead.
#4. They missed all my overtime on my last paycheck – so I’m kinda strapped, catch ya next year.
#3. Didn’t want to buy into all the crass commercialism of Father’s Day.
#2. Never really considered you my real father even though Yoda and Obi Wan were hinting that you might be.
#1. All out of ties and beer hats at the dollar store!