Tag: taxes

You bought the wrong tax software

Taxes
Tax season? Oh, it’s a “season” is it?

A friend of mine was telling me that he was having a lot of trouble with his new tax software. He’s thinking now — he did buy the cheapest software he could find and he’s pretty sure the company that made the software isn’t very reputable and maybe he should return it to the gas station where he bought it… The top five other ways to tell that you bought the wrong tax software…

#5. Before you can enter your tax information, you must navigate an intricate maze through a crocodile infested swamp with Scooby-Doo!

#4. If at any point it asks you to type in your exact weight and height.

#3. If pop-up adds for “the good tax software” keep popping up.

#2. If you have to email all of your tax information and a credit card number and it’s the same email address that you use to buy your email Viagra.

#1. If someone has written in “Dorothy The Accountant” on the box in crayon.

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You might have the wrong guy helping you with your taxes

Taxes
Taxes? We don't need no stinking taxes!

Experts are saying it is important to get help with your taxes if you feel you need it, but make sure you’re getting qualified people to help you.

Mike’s top five signs you might have the wrong guy helping you with your taxes.

#5. He’s charging you $2,000 / day, none of his advice is binding and you’re getting zero back from the Government.

#4. Instead of a Ponzi Scheme, he presents you with his idea for a Potsie Scheme.

#3. Keeps muttering “Expelerus taxisus” under his breath. Also wears an under-sized Harry potter costume all the time.

#2. He can only help you after the morning show is over at 10am, if you meet at the Dairy Queen.

#1. Keeps referring to your T4 as your Tissle-Four-issle.

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Did you buy the right tax software?

Rick Kelly was telling me he was having a world of trouble with his new tax software. He was saying he did buy the cheapest software he could find and he’s pretty sure the company that made the software isn’t very reputable and maybe he should return it to the gas station where he bought it (if the guy with the software cart is still there).

The top five other ways to tell you bought the wrong tax software.

#5. Before you can enter your tax information, you must navigate an intricate maze thru a crocodile infested swamp with Scooby Do!

#4. If at any point it asks you to type in your exact weight and height.

#3. If pop-up adds for “the good tax software” keep popping up.

#2. If you have to email all of your tax information and a credit card number and it’s the same email address that you use to buy your email Viagra.

#1. If Dora The Explorer is on the front of the box and someone has written “Dora The Accountant” on the box in crayon.

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Worst ways to make some quick money

Your City property taxes are due Friday. So unless you have that sweet deal were your bank takes out a little every month, right now you’re probably scrounging to come up with a few thousand dollars by the end of the week. Mike’s top five worst ways to make some quick money.
#5a. Quickly find a rich old guy. Doesn’t always work out.
#5. Sell a few of your 80’s sweaters on Craig’s List. Tried it. Didn’t work.
#4. Click one of those ads that promise you can make $1,200 a day just using your home computer for a few hours a day in your spare time. Tried it.
#3. Setup a 1-900 line, so people can pay to hear your Shih Tzu bark their favourite Lady Gaga song. Didn’t work. Next time I’ll try Katy Perry songs.
#2. Try emailing and Facebooking everyone you know and asking them each for just a few bucks. Didn’t work. Even my mom unfriended me!
#1. Hasn’t worked yet, but I’m sure it will.. Buy tons of lottery tickets – increasing my odds dramatically. Really, ’75 in 15 million’ is much better than ‘1 in 15 million’.

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Excuses for filing your taxes late

Taxes are due Monday. If don’t have the time to do your taxes this weekend and you’re planning on filing late this year, you’ll need a good excuse. Here are Mike’s top five excuses for filing your taxes late.

#5. Still can’t get over Pia Toscano being voted off American Idol.

#4. I had all my tax info. stored on the Playstation Network..

#3. Think about: the longer I make you wait for my tax return, the more excited you’ll be when you finally get it!

#2. The Torpedo of Truth told me not to worry about it.

#1. I’m still waiting to hear from the guy that buys our office 6-49 tickets. No one has seen him in quite a while..

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Good things about the HST?!

Mike’s top five good things about the HST coming July 1st..
#5. It’s harmonized?
#4. Almost out of my tube of Preparation H-ST!
#3. 12 percent less heavy money to carry around.
#2. Finally catching up to the Atlantic provinces when it comes to our antiquated west coast taxation laws.
#1. I’m really looking forward to referring to it by it’s street name, “Hizzle, Sizzle, ma Tizzle”!!

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